I often find that I need to take a break from studying Scripture because the weight from the conviction of the Holy Spirit is too heavy and I cannot bear it. It literally feels like carrying a physical weight on my back that slows my movement and ruminates in my mind to the point that I cannot focus on anything else. Even knowing the promise of Romans 8:1 fails to lift the guilt and shame that makes me want to tear my soul out of my own body. I feel filthy, wretched, unclean, and unwanted.
Christopher Wright describes this feeling as “an unbearable burden on the conscience” as a result of “facing some external standard”, whether the Law or the wrath of God (The God I Don’t Understand: Reflections on Tough Questions of Faith, p 135.). The disorienting confusion that arises makes a lot of sense in the context that the mind is set on the desires of the flesh and is wholly unable to even comprehend and submit to the Law. (Rom. 8:7) .
However, Paul provides assurance that the Spirit of Christ resides in you and that because of this regeneration, your own spirit can comprehend the sinful nature of the flesh that leads to its death (Rom. 8:10). The burden you feel is a blessing and evidence of a regenerated heart. You can take solace in the fact that God is working in your life.
I pray for the life and peace that the Holy Spirit can bring (Rom. 8:6). While I bare the burden of my sin, I am not controlled by it (Rom. 8:9). I pray for the patience and confidence (Rom. 8:24) of future glory (Rom. 8:19) while I gladly share in His suffering (Rom. 8:17).